Sometimes we run because we don't know what else to do. It's probably not the best thing for us at that moment, but somehow that doesn't matter. Running feels more like a physiological need than just an activity that is done for fun or for training. Moments like these make me feel like I have to run, instead of just wanting to run. It's right up there with hunger or thirst; something that must be satisfied.
Yesterday was a really awful day. I had spent all night studying for an exam that I knew I had no chance of passing. I pushed the molecules around my organic chemistry book with my eyes for ours, and not a single one stuck in my brain. So I woke up tired and annoyed, dragging myself to my 8:30 class before the exam at 1:55. I had from 11 till around 1:30 to study, but my heart just wasn't in it. It just felt to hopeless to try to study anymore. I just didn't get it. So I walked into the lecture hall with a sense of impending doom. I had a bit of optimism tingling in my brain. "Maybe the exam will be basic, and I can pull off a C", I remember thinking.
The exam was as bad as I thought it would be, and worse. I ran out of time and didn't answer the last 2 questions. I knew I had failed it before the TA swiped my unfinished exam from my hands. I felt choked up as I left, tears welling in my eyes and constricting my throat. My first thought, however, was I have to go for a run. Nothing else would help.
Running is awesome in that it lets you have more control over your brain. If you want to think about something, you can, and with more clarity than is possible at rest. If you want to forget, running allows you to dump your thoughts on the side of the road somewhere, to be picked up later. I couldn't tell you what I thought about during that run, but it certainly wasn't organic chemistry. My pace was light but fast, my stone-like gaze fixed straight ahead. My eyes were open, but I'm pretty sure that I didn't see anything at all. The sun was warm and the breeze was cool, a perfect run if I had ever seen one. I ran around campus, which has become something of a novelty since I live off campus now. There's something fun about running in the sun with shorts and a sports bra while everyone else is trudging to class.
I liken the run to a tightly applied band-aid. I felt better enough to function, but my problems hadn't been solved completely. I still thought of the exam in disgust, and still felt angry about my mediocre grades. But I loved how I checked out of the world for 40 minutes. I love how running allows me to center myself when I need it the most. Even though I was so tired, exerting myself felt like the right thing to do. It's weird how sometimes getting out the door is like climbing a mountain, and sometimes is like a walk in the park. But when you are running for a reason other than training, it seems like you have no other option than to put one foot in front of the other.
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