Definitions, Redefined.

 We all have this ideas about ourselves in our heads: What we look like to others, what we are capable of, things that we always do, things that we never do. The reason why we are who we are is because we have a central construct that we follow, a normal of sorts. We also have definitions for what we can and cannot do. Even the most optimistic of people know that there are some things that they simply will never accomplish in life, just because it is so far out of their scope as a person.

But who said that these definitions can't change?

       I've been thinking about how much I have changed over the past few years (and even in the past 6 months) and I realize that I am doing things now that I would never even lay a pinky finger on in high school or before. Granted, a lot of it has to do with growing and maturity, but I can safely say that I've changed. For the better. I can talk to people on the phone in a professional manner. I can lead a workout without a single stutter or awkward joke. I can lead a meeting without panicking about this or that. I can study effectively for exams, accept bad workouts and injuries....the list goes on. After so many years of being unsatisfied with myself, I can finally sit back and say "You know what, I'm close to who I want to be." And that means so much.

 Changing isn't something that you can actively work towards, and everyone takes their own path. It could be an accumulation of experiences or an "aha!" moment that you have when you wake up one day. More than likely, it's a combination of the two. I can point to a single event, but I know that the things that I've piled onto my college plate have helped as well.

Workouts are the ultimate writers of our definitions. They show us what our bodies are capable of at that moment in time: in that fitness level, with that much sleep,fuel, stress level, and fatigue. Pushing yourself in a workout is the worst best feeling in the world. I swear, you can find clarity in the face of complete exhaustion. case in point: Over the summer, I did a swim workout ( I now call it the terrible 200's) that was 10x200 on an interval with short rest. Swimming is my weakest of the 3 sports, and it is always a source of frustration for me. So when I was already dying after 3 of them (read: 7 to go), I threw off my goggles, slammed them on the deck, and gasped "I...can't...do...this." This is a huge workout no-no. These are forbidden words, and I will never repeat them again. Luckily, I had coaches there to help me out. "It's ok, just go again at the top. You get an extra 30 seconds." I wasn't thrilled with this compromise, but I did it anyway. I finished the workout, with the last 3 200's 10 seconds faster than the absolutely awful first 3. At the end, I rested my head on the deck, still gasping, and thought "I did something special today." I redefined my idea of swimming. Maybe I could get better. The thought that kept me going that day was "I want this more than anything in the world." Keeping that desire in my mind helped me finish; because when you want to quit, you must remember why you started. Works every time.

Keep redefining yourself and your capabilities. Don't sit in your comfort zone, because nothing awesome ever happens there. Greatness happens the moment you step outside that zone, even if you fail. You are infinitely better just for taking that leap.

"Life is a series of unceremonious acts of courage." --Unknown (or, just me. not sure which)

I'm life, Annie. And I'm here to bite you in the...

       Okay, so before you read this: yes, this blog is referring to a scene in Bridesmaids. I love that movie because it's hilarious, but it actually has a very strong underlying message. I know it's sad that I'm writing 500 words about a scene in a movie about feuding Bridesmaids and a cute cop with an adorable accent. But bear with me.

     This particular scene is towards the end of the movie when Megan visits Annie at her mother's house, where she recently moved in because she has finally "hit bottom". After putting her 7 puppies on the porch, Megan sits down on the couch to talk to Annie. Annie expresses her state of depression and remorse over ruining her best friends wedding, and says "I have no friends...". Megan jumps on this immediately, and says "You know what Annie, I think it's funny that you are sitting here telling me that you have no friends when you have a friend right here, trying to talk to you." (don't quote me exactly on this; it would take me twice as long to write this if I looked up the quotes and everything, haha) She then goes on to say "I'm life, Annie, and I'm here to bite you in the ass. Are you going to fight back or what?" This awkward struggle on the couch has really applied to my life recently. And here's why.

    Something snapped last Friday. It was probably the culmination of several things, but I felt like I got hit with a brick of emotions that I had never experienced before. Never before had I felt that endurance sports was a negative in my life. I thought that training and racing had given me everything I had: friends, success, fun, etc. But that was the problem. Who am I without training? I realized that I couldn't answer that question, and I'm not going to lie, it scared me a bit. Did I need to delete it from my life for a while? What would it be like to not think about racing or running or staying in shape?

At first, that seemed like a clear answer. But as the initial emotion wore off, I found that it wasn't the sport that was the problem. I was the problem. I had things to work out with myself, and I had to take an honest look at how I was reacting.

Several of my friends reached out to me, as I was clearly upset. But all I wanted to do is sulk, and tell them how much I hated certain flaws that I have. My doors were shut, even as they were trying to pry them open. Even the kindest words seemed to bounce off, and although I listened, I couldn't bring myself to believe any of it.

I was like Annie, sitting on the couch with a pouting face. But after a few long talks a couple of hugs, I began to feel myself again. Life had bit me--but I had great friends to ease the pain.

The moral of the story, for me anyway, is never to take those closest to you for granted. One of the greatest joys of life are the people that you spend it with. Never let a chance to show your appreciation for someone's friendship slip by. The best feeling in the world is being loved, and the best way to receive love is to give it. I feel so lucky to have great people in my life, and I can only hope that I can be there for others twice as much as people are there for me. It's a simple act, being there for someone, but it's worth more than anything in this world.

To all of my friends and family, I love you. And I'll be here when you need me, as you have been for me so many times.